Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
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If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
This makes total sense…
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Autocarrot sucks!
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.