*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
You Might Also Like
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
This was a bad idea all around
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
he looks great for his age
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
pls suprot
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave