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[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”