[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
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I just stopped by to water my horse.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.