A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
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Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Happy thanksgiving!
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
early stone age tool
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
i’m still crying at this
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker