[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
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For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*