I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
You Might Also Like
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Lol
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”