Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
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Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Meow
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.