I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
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nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
bro what is going on at twitter
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’