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Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.