getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
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Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
This is amazing.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
No Google it does not
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??