clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
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Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
And bowling should be called pinball
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes