I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
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*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form