Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
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No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
the last thing a carrot sees
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.