If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
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My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.