I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
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How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started