I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
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Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.