Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
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Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
crochet youtube is brutal
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
me logging onto twitter
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?