8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
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Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.