I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
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Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now