Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I feel it
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
also my go-to takeaway order
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows