I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
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I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Are you ok, human???
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
WWE is French for “yes”
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?