Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
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[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.