I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
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Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy