“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
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[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.