:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
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If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I thought this was funny lol
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Me recordaron éste meme
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.