*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
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My first son he is wonderful
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened