“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
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I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”