if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
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*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.