That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
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I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
My hips? Compulsive liars.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it