I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
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Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
jesus, what did this guy do
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.