Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
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The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Bruh PLEASE
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games