me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
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At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I’m not stressed
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.