[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
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“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”