I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
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I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
it’s the silliest best thing
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
This checks out
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow