I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
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Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
no cat here
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
a badder mouse
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm