GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
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Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Lmao
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.