Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
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I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
This meal prepping shit is easy
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
WHO DID THIS?
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
My neck, my back, my…
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.