[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
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all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
she has a point
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
The dark side of Canada
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today