Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
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I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.