I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
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sir, my pâté if you please
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.