3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
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if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
The booster protects against what, now?
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis