“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
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Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*