I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
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Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done