When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
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Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Livid.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces