Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
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Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
knights of the ikea table
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.