*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
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The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.