You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
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Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.