[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
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I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Kids, do not try this at home!
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk