If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
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Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”